The worst part of this bullshit confusion that I'm suspended in, is that I can't stop thinking about how much I could hurt you. Following shortly after is the sheer frustration of not understanding myself enough to diagnose the problem of why I just can't feel romantic feelings towards another. Basically, what I've been trying to avoid for so long is the solution to my problem and in turn is what I'm starting to want; the ability to fucking feel something. I suppose I'm feeling something now, except its a numbed concern...well at least as what i've diagnosed it in the meantime. I just want to be a good boyfriend. I just want a normal relationship, can I at least get a honeymoon period before it all falls apart. But now, I've come in crippled and no I'm dealing with my emotional limp.
Has it really ended up that in my pursuit to block out the powerful negative emotions in my life, I've blocked out the ability to feel the powerful positive ones as well? And if thats so, how the hell do I fix it. These feels are no longer a conscious choice, its a wall I keep running into every time I think about it.
I'm feeling better, I love writing.
